Why You Shouldn’t Take Your ADHD Teen’s Behaviour Personally. And What to Do Instead.

Pippa Moran
Sep 2
2 min read

Updated: Sep 15

"They’re doing this on purpose."

If you’ve ever thought that - you’re not alone.

When your teen with ADHD talks back, shuts down, or refuses to do something, it’s easy to feel disrespected, rejected, or angry. But here’s the truth:

Most ADHD-related behaviours are not intentional, they’re brain-based.

And when we learn to see them that way, everything changes.

What’s really happening?

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition. That means your teen’s brain develops differently — especially in areas responsible for:

Impulse control
Task initiation
Emotional regulation
Working memory
Self-monitoring

So when your teen:

Explodes emotionally
Ignores instructions
Leaves everything until the last minute
Seems lazy or defiant

…it’s not about you. It’s about what their brain is still learning how to do.

Why this mindset shift matters

When we believe behaviour is deliberate, we respond with:

Criticism
Consequences
Power struggles

But when we see behaviour as a signal of lagging skills, we shift into:

Curiosity
Coaching
Connection

And that’s where real change begins.

Try This Reframe

Instead of

“They’re being lazy.” Try :“They’re struggling to get started.”

Instead of:

“They never listen to me.” Try: “Their working memory is overloaded right now.”

Instead of

“They don’t care.” Try: “They feel overwhelmed and are shutting down.”

Tips to Stop Taking It Personally

Pause before reacting. Say to yourself: “This is about their brain, not my parenting.”
Use neutral observation. Instead of “You never do what I ask,” say: “I noticed your bag’s still unpacked - let’s look at what got in the way.”
Ask what skill is missing.Are they struggling to focus? To manage emotions? To organise?
Stay curious.Ask: “What would make this easier next time?”
Focus on connection, not correction.When your teen feels safe, they’re more open to problem-solving.

Final Thought

Taking ADHD behaviour personally leads to power struggles and burnout. Seeing it as brain-based opens the door to empathy, connection, and long-term growth.

Your teen isn’t giving you a hard time - they’re having a hard time.! Your calm, coaching response is a big part of what they need.